“You aren’t going to be his first, last or his only. He’s loved before, he will again. But if he loves you now, what else matters? He’s not perfect. You aren’t either. The two of you will never be perfect but if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He is not going to quote poetry, he’s not going to be thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, don’t expect more then he can give. Try not to over-analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad and miss him when he’s not there.”
-via crazybeautiful.
I need to learn how to deal. With everything. I need to come back down to Earth and follow my own advice. I guess I don’t ever really realize that advice is good and all, but it’s just tough to follow. Your feelings are something that’s really hard to change. A memory is even harder to forget.
I always tell people not to expect too much so that if something goes above and beyond, they’ll be exstatic. And if they don’t, they won’t be crushed that badly, I guess. But for a while, I just feel…desperate. Desperate for feeling, for proof, a sign, clawing at something so I can keep it all to myself. But that’s not really the way it works. A Catch-22, either way, it’s going to hurt someone. Either way, it’s not going to make me happy, and it doesn’t make me feel any better, either. Either way, I’m just going to feel terrible and beat myself up over it. Either way, I just end up hating myself, hating what, ultimately, I’ve become.
I…don’t know. I just don’t. I’ve been having a lot of periods of self-doubt, self-hate lately. Maybe it’s a sign or something. I can go from perfectly fine into a downright monster nowadays. When it’s good, it’s really good. But when it’s bad, it’s bad. To be honest, I don’t even know how to act around my friends and stuff anymore. Everything just seems forced, and it feels like everybody’s prickling into me, hating me. I think the worst part of this is that I can’t even pinpoint why this is all going on. I think I have a general reason, but it’s a stupid reason (well, not to me, but obviously to everybody else) that I’m overreacting over. Irrational fears and thoughts in my head stemmed from too many second chances that weren’t really second chances because they did nothing wrong.
Everything’s so confusing. I know what I should be doing, but I can’t just turn everything off. I can’t just sit there and pretend like it doesn’t bother me.
